IT happened again, yesterday.
i cant believe it's settled so quickly.. well yes of course it's a good thing that the problem's settled so fast but.. i dont know. somehow i still feel the pain and everything. it hurts alright. but i guess i deserve it. 'cause it was totally my fault. i started it. am i dumb or what? geez. sometimes i just
HATE myself. seriously. i can just be so blind to everything around me, while my mouth does its job.. tsk. why am i always like this? i've tried to change before. last time i thought of others' feelings and everything. but they dont think about MINE. so i guess that's why now i dont think about others' feelings.. tsk. i guess i'm still childish huh? =.=
what exactly happened was..
i said some stuff about the wednesday thingy. (japanese teens around our age coming over to our school) SK will be performing i guess. they said it's confirmed. so anyway, i said the wrong stuff.. so when i wanted to approach him and stuff, i look at him and he's giving out a lil different attitude and his face isnt like how it's always been. so i kept asking if he's alright and he never looked into my eyes and said he's okay. he just said yeah he's okay and kept looking away. like he wanted to avoid me.. and he did. so when we were crossing the traffic light and walking across the field there, i kept calling out his name. like 5 times. and he didnt even responded to me once. (i forgot to mention that he already on some music from his phone) and when he just kept walking away from me, suddenly
my hear sank. and
my legs felt wobbly that i could anytime fall on the ground. i wanted to but i didnt. but i did cry on the spot. i cried and
WAILED. like seriously. i tried not to wail so loudly but i couldnt help myself. and when i cried, i tried walking a few steps. those few steps were hard. i mean, my legs felt heavy. when i was crying at that time, in my head i kept thinking
"he's walking away from me. he's leaving me. what am i gonna do?" at that point of time
i was really LOST. i didnt know what to do. i wanted to just run away from everything. i really wanted to turn back the time and never did the same mistake i did just that few minutes ago. my heart gave a huge thud. it felt
as if my heart was being squeezed so tight. we walked to the mrt. (shimei went her own way; she took bus) and the rest of us (with melia and nassa) went up the escalator. nassa and melia talked to him. i sat at the other end of the seat, alone. i started to think back again what i did. i felt so hurt and angry at myself for being so dumb. i couldnt go home in the state i was in. but my feet really felt tempted to go home 'cause at that time when i was walking to the far end of the seat, my train was there. i really wanted to go home. but i couldnt bring myself to. so i stayed there. crying. and then nassa said he has some stuff he wants to tell me. so he came over. and i told him to sit next to me. so he did. and when i wanted to say sorry and everything, i couldnt stop myself from bursting into tears. so while i was apologising, i was crying at the same time. and he kept saying it was partly his fault and everything's gonna be alright. i couldnt really speak.. i kept crying and crying like a lost child. he held me in his arms. my fringe was wet with my tears. my tears kept dripping onto my arm.
and yet i kept crying. it was as if that's the only solution i had.. and somehow we made up. when i was crying, he said he'll send me home. in my mind, i was thinking..
"after all that he's still sending me home?" i kept crying because i keep wondering
"why is he so good to me?" i feel like such a bitch. honestly, if i'm ever any meaner, i'd probably be dumped by him soon enough. geez. i hate myself.
i really really
HATE myself.
only god knows how much i feel like
slapping myself.
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